But I've always wondered: what would happen if I replied to one of the more ridiculous spams? The ones that promise huge windfalls of cash from despondent foreigners? Well, now I know.

An intriguing bit of spam arrived in my Deaners for Potter email inbox last week. I decided to reply to it. No big deal, I figured--I won't be using that email address past the November election.

Gather 'round now, Candlebloggers, and hear the tale of Julia Smith, who reached out to me with breathtaking generosity in her moment of urgent need. You will laugh. You will cry.

I'm still trying to figure out who exactly I became in the course of my correspondence with "Julia" and her "lawyer."

Subject: hi
From:"Julia Smith"
Date: Sun, September 5, 2004 10:30 am
To: undisclosed-recipients

Hello,

My name is Julia Smith.

I have written this email to you to ask you for your help.

It hurts me to understand that life is short and I would like to have you please respond to this email and if for no other reason, just to ask me what is wrong and how you can help.

Well, if you are kind hearted, please send me an email promptly.

I would provide you with the details of what I would like you to do for this person.

Note: I am not asking you for your monry as I am rich enough to take care of a city.

I am just lost and I need help.

I would also reward you very well in cash and in kind if you can grant me my wish.

I await your prompt reply.

Best regards,

Julia Smith.
Bermuda.

Subject: Re: hi
From: info@deanersforpotter.org
Date: Fri, September 10, 2004 12:09 am
To: juliasmith@graffiti.net

Julia,

i don't know how you got my email address but maybe Todd gave it to you. anyway it sounds like things are rough so i'm not sure how i can help. but I can try.

Jon

Subject: Re: hi
From: "Julia Smith"
Date: Fri, September 10, 2004 2:07 am
To: info@deanersforpotter.org

Dear Jon,

Thank you for the reply.

Thank you for the wish to help me.

Well, my name as I told you earlier is Julia Smith.

I am from Bermuda, I guess you know where it is.

or your email, I got it from the internet email directory that I searched and sent this email out to you.

I am sincere and I really need your help,.

I am 57 years old and I lost my family way back in time and refused to remarry and now age has gone pass myway for marriage or children.

Well, I would like to have you do me a favour.

The favour is simple as I would reward you very well as you wish. I have a deposit bond that I would like to give to charity. The fact is that Iw ould need someone to help me collect them as I am retired now to my hospital bed with the dreaded cancer killing me softly.

The point now is, can you still help me.

I would give you 1 million dollars while the rest 3 million be shared for charity homes around the world.

Can you still help.

Best regards,

Julia Smith

Subject: Re: hi
From: "Julia Smith"
Date: Fri, September 10, 2004 2:17 am
To: info@deanersforpotter.org

Dear Jon,

I understand that you all have a bid to support Tom Poter as the new Mayor for the portland state.

I would also support your bid with a million dollars personally for the fact that you had a willing heart to help me with my cancer this trying time of my life when the doctorts tell me. You have a few days to live and next, you have a few weeks and next few months and like that.

I shall funds his project, tell him that.

I await your prompt reply.

Best regards,

Julia Smith.

Subject: Re: hi
From: "Julia Smith"
Date: Fri, September 10, 2004 2:20 am
To: info@deanersforpotter.org

Dear Jonathan Fine,
Kindly confirm the reciept of my emails.

Best regards,

Julia Smith.

Subject: Re: hi
From: info@deanersforpotter.org
Date: Fri, September 10, 2004 11:00 am
To: "Julia Smith"

Julia, sorry your not feeling well with cancer. i can't believe you want to give me that gift becuase I don't know if I can live up to the responsiblity.

I guess I just need to know if this is really real or if it is like Punk'd. and how i can help get the deposit bond for your charity.

Jon

Subject: Re: hi
From: "Julia Smith"
Date: Fri, September 10, 2004 12:52 pm
To: info@deanersforpotter.org

Dear Jon,
Thanks for the concern.
I will like to have you contact my lawyer who would assist you get done with everything.

Dr. Greg Darwin
G-Darwin & Associates.
Greg.Darwin@g-darwinassociates.cjb.net
Tel: +44 7005 942 285
Fax: +44 7005 942 286

He would give you all the assistance you need and please work with him for my sake.

Once again, I am for real.

Best regards,

Julia Smith.

Subject: Julia Smith
From: info@deanersforpotter.org
Date: Fri, September 10, 2004 1:41 pm
To: Greg.Darwin@g-darwinassociates.cjb.net

Hello,

Well i'm trying to help Julia with her charity and she said to email you so here goes. If i can help I guess your going to tell me how. I've never done anything like this, i guess Julia lives in Bermuda so she can't come over. I'm not sure where that is but i did play triangle in Band.

Jon

Subject: Re: julia smith
From: Greg Darwin
Date: Sat, September 11, 2004 2:26 am
To: info@deanersforpotter.org

Dear Jon,
How are you today ?
I am sorry I wrote back very late today.

I am the lawyer for Julia Smith and she has earlier sent her words that someone would be writting me. I sent your email to her and she confirmed that was why it took this long.

Well, I would like you to provide me with your details that you would be using for the transaction.

Name of Bank.
Bank Account Detials.
Account Name.
Contact details { Telephone,fax and address}

If I can get these details by today, I would process your document here and have them to you this weekend and by monday you would contact the financial managers and give them the documents by fax and they would evalutae the documents which takes within 24hrs and after that, you would be sent the bonds equivalent in cash as specified by Julia Smith.

If you have any further questions, do ask me.

I await your prompt reply.

Best regards,

Dr. Greg Darwin ESQ.

Subject: Re: julia smith
From: info@deanersforpotter.org
Date: Sun, September 12, 2004 11:41 am
To: "Greg Darwin"

hey Greg,

i didn't get your Message until just now because I had to help my uncle put down a stricken cow. It was realy sad becuase we realy love our animals, there like family.

anyways I am ready to give you the Information, i just need to know what exactly you need. I'm really excited that I can help Julia smith and also get rich. Let me know and i'll get that to you ASAP.

Jon

p.s. Do you like to party.

Subject: Re: julia smith
From: Greg Darwin
Date: Mon, September 13, 2004 1:46 am
To: info@deanersforpotter.org

Dear Jon,

Thats okay for the late reply.
How come you value Animals that much ? Well, I would like to have you send th following information to me by email or fax.

1. Full contact details including telephone and fax numbers
2. Bank Account that you would like to use for the transaction
3. An Identification, either a copy of your international passport or driver's licence
4. A letter addressed to Dr. Greg Darwin ESQ. confirming your identity as you wriiten by you and also signed by you.

That is all you need and I would have the documents processed and any legal fee placed on the documents by the government, you shall pay and the reciepts sent to you promptly for your own clearance.

All these I expect to get today promptly.

Best regards,

Dr. Greg Darwin ESQ.

Subject: Re: julia smith
From: info@deanersforpotter.org
Date: Mon, September 13, 2004 9:20 am
To: "Greg Darwin"

Greg,

You wrote,

> All these I expect to get today promptly.

Your all business dude! I'm real sorry for the delay in sharing my private, confidential bank information with you. I know your a credentialed lawyer and i should trust you implicitly. But if i can be honest for a second, i'm really wrestling with the idea of whether I should get a million dollars from Julia smith.

I mean, I'm a good person and all. But do i really need a million dollars? I already have a Xbox. Maybe Julia should give her money to a deserving organzitation, such as the March of Dimes or perhaps the Coalition of Citizens United Against Identity Theft.

Anyways, you asked how come i value animals. The reason I value animals so much is becuase I beleive that all of God's creatures are noble and deserve respect.

Except spammers, of course.

Sincerely,

Jon

Subject: Re: julia smith
From: Greg Darwin
Date: Mon, September 13, 2004 11:33 am
To: info@deanersforpotter.org

Dear Jon,
I like your email.
I would to have you know that I cannot ever steal your Identity.
Well, I am in Isle of Man and you are over there in the USA .
How can I steal your ID.

Note: I am not a spammer okay ?

I am simply doing my professional duties as directed by my client.

Best regards,

Dr. Greg Darwin ESQ.

Subject: Re: julia smith
From: info@deanersforpotter.org
Date: Mon, September 13, 2004 12:36 pm
To: "Greg Darwin"

Greg,

Isle of Man? More like the Isle of Jerks! i don't mean to be rude but i'm realy distressed here. on the one hand Julia smith is sick in bed and picked ME to help her give away millions of dollars. thats a lot of responsbility and i don't take it lightly. But on the other hand i was talking to Randy about this and Randy knows about the internet. Randy said he came super close to getting a bunch of money from some dude in Nigeria, and he even went ahead and tricked out his Camaro but the money never came. Randy said that could happen to me. I said what do you mean and Randy said they might even try to steal your identity. I said how can that be, i don't even know who i am or what i stand for.

As for me being in the US of A and you being over seas, i don't see how that stops you from taking a Airplane here and going to an American ATM machine and pretending like you are me.

Jon

Subject: Re: julia smith
From: Greg Darwin
Date: Tue, September 14, 2004 3:01 am
To: info@deanersforpotter.org

Dear Jon,
To be straight with you.
I am not happy the way you are talkingt o me.

I would like to have you know that if you would not want to help my client, you can as well indicate that and I would leave you alone and not to be spoken rudely to.

Why would I steal your identity.

I do not have such time okay ?

Best regards,

Dr. Greg Darwin ESQ.

Subject: Re: julia smith
From: info@deanersforpotter.org
Date: Tue, September 14, 2004 9:12 am
To: "Greg Darwin"

Dear Greg/Julia (yes, it's obvious--go back to spam school),

I've had my fun. Now I will share our e-mails with my colleagues and we will enjoy much hearty laughter over the spectacle of your pitiful, fraudulent enterprise.

Next time I'm in the Isle of Man, I'll look you up. We can party. No hard feelings.

Sincerely,

Dr. Jonathan Fine, ESQ.