Q. What looks like a beached whale, acts like a beached whale, outputs creative output at the pace of a beached whale, even makes the same sounds as a beached whale, but it isn't a beached whale ?

A. Me, after round two. Read on for my turkey roasting method - but check out my squash pie. I believe the small crater on the right (the 4-toed one) was made by a very startled cat Celaeno (aka "Twitchy") ...


I subscribe to two basic principles of turkey roasting ... uh, make that three - No, four! - No wait, let me start again: Okay, among the many principles that lead to a successful roasted turkey, here are some:

1. fresheness counts. i only buy Misty Knoll turkeys from Bristol. Very fresh organic, free range, etc.
2. brining. if you've never brined a turkey, consider it. i've done it for the last 3 thanksgivings and this shit kicks ass. Here's a short version: get a big clean bucket, dump in a ton of salt, handfuls of rosemary (from the garden this summer), an entire head of garlic (peeled, split cloves), some sugar, lots of thyme. dump in some very cold water, stir, dump in turkey, cover w/ water, dump in ice if the temp in the garage isn't below 40, cover w/ plastic bag or something to keep out dust and/or critters (I drop a bag of ice on top to weight everything down). Let soak for 24 hours.
3. Don't stuff w/ bread stuffing. Use carrots, thyme, celery, onion, etc. but only for perfume. 4. COOK BREAST SIDE DOWN. You heard me. Brined turkeys are jucier than basic roasted turkeys, and when you cook them breast-down, all the juice fills the flesh of the breast meat. Flip the bird for the last hour, but that's it. And don't go poking no thermometer into the breast. Jam it in the thigh. When the thigh hits 185 the breast will be at a perfect 165.
5. LET THE TURKEY SIT FOR 30 minutes or so. Don't rush it. It'll continue to cook inside and will totally kick ass.

I can't tell you how delicious this was. The drippings were so flavorful that to make gravey i just added water and whisked with a few tbs of corn starch dissolved in sauvignon blanc. The gravy was the best gravy i ever had. The flesh of the turkey was SATURATED w/ savory juice - like a sponge - but was fully cooked. This bird was so *NOT* dry I can't even find the words. It was so moist, it formed a spacetime vortex just out of moistosity.

Sue made her oyster stuffing (kicked ass). I made a raw cranberry/sour cream relish (w/ sugar, raw onion, horseradish), and a bunch of other side dishes and stuff. My rolls came out great (like french bread w/ thin golden crust and light crumb - probably due to whipped egg white folded in w/ dough before kneading).

Dessert included pecan-pie w/ ghirardeli (sp?) semi-sweet chips, pumpkin mousse and squash pie.

I'm about to fry up an espresso before my comatose stage causes my 'first alert' bracelet to auto-dial the funeral parlor.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!!!